Welcome to Crackverse
by FanfictionWriter83729
Summary: 07Movie, not 09 compliant, series of interrelated oneshots. WARNING: Crack pairings. 5: Happily, Crackily Ever After. Sam embraces the insanity, and Maggie and Soundwave herald the end of the Cybertronian war.
1. Chapter 1

**Disclaimer:** do not own Transformers.

**Summary:** (Oneshot). She was no Wendy, and he'd slowly and painfully terminate the mech who would compare him to Peter Pan. But every child needs a mother…

**Warning:** Crack pairing.

* * *

Wendy

Frenzy—after being rescued and repaired by Daddy—proceeded to tell Daddy about the nasty, inferior insects.

"And yet if they were so inferior, how did they manage to force you into stasis?"

…

Daddy seemed to give a resigned sigh. "I told you to be careful about your blades."

And Frenzy thought that that was the end of talking about squishies with Daddy. However, he didn't know that Daddy would be thinking about squishies a lot. About one squishy in particular.

**X x X**

The result of leaving Frenzy in Barricade's care had perturbed Daddy. There were no Decepticons who would care for his younglings as he himself did. And yet…yet Daddy couldn't do this by himself. Not when there were so many of the little buggers.

His younglings needed a…needed a…now what did the insects call them again? Oh yes. His younglings needed a _maternal unit._ And it was Daddy's obligation to provide them one.

It had to be an insect. To choose a Decepticon spark-mate would be to put his younglings in danger; an Autobot spark-mate was preposterous. On the other hand, it had to be a strong insect; an insect that wouldn't be squished by his younglings. Thus it was only logical to choose amongst the humans who were successful in their campaign against Starscream—a pitiful stand-in for Lord Megatron—and the rest of the Decepticons.

The first two who had managed to behead Frenzy had two arguments against them. They were far too young, and they had more than ties to the annoying little Autobot known as Bumblebee—they had a bond that Daddy hoped that they would never discover, lest it be to the Autobots' advantage. No, it could not be either of them.

So Daddy moved to the humans who were at Hoover Dam. The hacker who had pierced through Frenzy's signal was of the kind that his younglings would step on without a second thought. Ditto for the arrogant agent of Sector Seven. The other one was too old, and far too much in the public eye.

That only left one candidate.

**X x X**

After the incidents at Mission City and at Hoover Dam, Maggie was careful—paranoid-level careful—about any car that she got into, about any electronics that she bought, and about anything that she wrote in her computer.

It was just too bad that her neighbours weren't as vigilant, because their new car—the new car with a sound system installed by their annoying brat who kept hitting on Maggie even though she threw hints that she wasn't interested—their new car had _walked_ over to her house and proceeded to make Swiss cheese out of it.

Maggie dodged the shower of blasts that ripped through her house, swiftly taking out her pistol from under her pillow, taking off the safety, and racing outside.

There was no escape. In front of her crushed car was one of the nightmare creatures. It was large—nearly as large as Ironhide. All black, with visors tinted red and a faceplate that betrayed no emotion. On his chest plate was an all-too familiar insignia that glinted morbidly against the light of the fires that were now consuming her home. A cannon was aimed in her direction.

This was not good.

"Maggie Madsen," it—he—said. His voice was smooth and monotone; chilling and remorseless.

"Yeah?" She cocked her gun. Yes, there was _no way_ that she was going to win. There was no way that she could even survive. However, she wasn't going out without a fight. In this mindset, one could understand why the robot's next words took her completely by surprise.

"Will you be my sparkmate?"

"W-What?"

"Will you be my sparkmate?" he repeated calmly. Maggie could only continue to gape.

"Are you joking?"

"'Joke?'" There was a pause as he tilted his head to one side, perhaps looking up what the word meant. "No, this is no joke. Jokes are illogical and are a waste of words."

"Well what do you want a human 'sparkmate' for?" she demanded. This surely had to be a trick.

The human was being difficult. Perhaps he wasn't coming up with the proper expressions, simple expressions that her primitive processor could handle. Not that he was going to lower himself to that level, so he scanned the human Internet and found an audio file instead.

"Every child needs a mother."

"Mother?" Maggie spat out the word. "Mother to what?"

"Daddy!" Maggie tensed, but thought that she saw the giant robot give the Decepticon equivalent of a sigh as a gigantic purple bat clambered into view from behind him. It—he—perched on his shoulder.

"Did that—did that just call you 'daddy?'"

The robot—perhaps embarrassed, or perhaps dismissing her question as irrelevant, but probably both—turned his head to the side and muttered something that sounded suspiciously like 'Not now, son, can't you see that daddy's talking with someone?" The large purple metal bat promptly ignored him.

"Daddy, you're not doing it right Daddy," he said in childlike innocence, though Maggie knew that he had probably killed an unfortunate human that very night. "You should do it like the humans do it. You know, down on one knee and all that—"

Daddy Decepticon gave up Cybertronian entirely and switched to the English that his 'child' was conversing with. "They have primitive mating rituals."

"But she's doing what femmes are supposed to do," the bat said, pointing at Maggie's tense stance and at the determined way she was still training her gun at Daddy Decepticon's optic.

"And if I refuse?" Maggie said.

"Then I shall terminate you for witnessing the shame of my youngling."

There was another pause.

"So…so do you guys always propose at gunpoint?" she managed to finally say, with her pistol still aimed at him—not that it would do much against his cannon.

She couldn't really tell emotion on the 'bot's face—covered up as it was—but she did register some form of surprise.

"Of course."

"You are aware that I am totally against your side and would exploit you at the most opportune time?"

"Your first argument is easily remedied, and as for the second argument…I would not expect anything less."

"Well then," Maggie got up from her crouched position, pistol still cocked and ready. "This looks like the start of a beautiful relationship."

**X x X**

**Some months later…**

"What are you looking at?" hissed Frenzy as he and his cup of coffee were walking past Daddy Decepticon's quarters. Frenzy had been enraged when he found out that Daddy was going to spark-bond with a human—a human!—but had calmed down quite quickly when new maternal unit had made him something called 'coffee.' His question was directed at the rest of his siblings, who were all peaking through a crack in Daddy's door.

"Come see, Frenzy!" Ratbat hissed, perched atop Rumble. Frenzy, muttering a string of Cybertronian curses (quietly though, or else Daddy would hear and Frenzy would have to spend some time in the 'quiet corner') pushed pass his siblings and looked through the crack in the door.

There was a pause.

"What _are_ new maternal unit and Daddy _doing?_"

* * *

**Author note:** Personally, I think that Maggie's polishing "Daddy's" armour—the giant alien robot equivalent of a nice massage. 


	2. Chapter 2

**Disclaimer:** do not own Transformers.

**Summary:** Sam and his family go to Egypt for a vacation, minus Bee, who can't travel overseas. When a threat approaches the family, they only have one furry protector to rely on...who deals with the threat in a strange way…

* * *

Pack

Maggie had spark-bonded to Soundwave. The Autobots soon became accustomed to the times when he drove to the Autobot base to drop Maggie off, leaving with: "Do have a good day, maternal unit of my younglings, and partaker of my spark," said in his serious, monotone voice, and then, glancing at Optimus, had said, "I will see you in a few hours, Prime."

"Wait," asked Sam one day, after watching Maggie leave, "is she _safe _with him?"

"She's safe. One: he's marked her," Ratchet answered with a sigh, remembering the Decepticon mark that now adorned Maggie's right shoulder blade. "Making her on equal footing with his younglings…And two: she's partaking of his spark, making her his partner."

Sam stared. "What does that mean?"

"Well, when you humans consummate a marriage, you give one another your bodies. When we finalize a spark-bonding, we open up our chests give pieces of our sparks. Normally it is an exchange, but since Maggie is without a spark, I do expect that Soundwave was content with a different kind of trade on her end. Nevertheless, she does have a spark now due to his—ah, we shall call it 'donation'—embedded in her heart…"

And, like watching a horror movie, Sam was horrified but couldn't turn away as Ratchet proceeded to give him a detailed explanation on the Cybertronian "birds and bees."

"Sam? Are you okay?" Bumblebee asked as Sam shakily got inside the driver's seat.

"Yeah Bee. Listen, can we stop by the supermarket?"

"Of course. Did your mom want you to pick up something?"

"No. I just need some bleach. Some strong bleach."

All in all, it was a really good time to go off to a family vacation to somewhere without a lot of technology. Ron had won three tickets to Egypt at work, and they'd spend two weeks there.

"No, Bee, for the last time, you can't come," Sam said patiently to the Camaro, who, for a supposedly inanimate object, was pulling off a great job of looking sulky. "The US government has grounded you on American soil for a while, remember? Besides, we wouldn't be able to get you past customs let alone on the plane!"

"But Mojo is going!" Bee whined.

"Yes, but Mojo's a small dog. You, on the other hand, are a giant, sentient, fifteen-foot, conspicuous alien robot…"

Though Bee hadn't succeeded in coming along, he had succeeded in making Sam feel guilty enough that he spent hours on his laptop every night to talk. One conversation was interrupted by a scratching at the door, and Sam turned to see Mojo there, whining and scratching the door.

"You need to go out, Mojo?" Sam got up and opened the door, and Mojo scooted out, supposedly to do his business.

And Mojo, instead of stopping by the bushes that surrounded the hotel they were staying at, instead ran out into the desert sand, darkened and cooled by sundown.

The Pack Alphas gave everything to Mojo: they decided where to go and what to do. But every so often, there were some things that they couldn't see. For example, they didn't sense the thing out there like Mojo did. Something out there that was coming for the Mojo's Pack. And that something had to be dealt with.

**X x X**

Scorponok was alone. So alone.

It wasn't supposed to be like this. Where was his alpha? He tried again, sending his frequency out like an anguished howl. Where was his pack? He didn't want to be alone…

He scanned the area. Human habitation nearby. An oasis. He remembered that his Pack Alpha did not like humans. Destroy them all, that Pack Alpha had commanded. Skorponok dived into the sand, making his way towards the human habitation.

But something was waiting there for Skorponok. A squishy, barely the size of Skorponok's claw, standing like a sentinel, the lights of the city just little pinpricks in the darkness behind him.

"_Get out of my way, filth," _he hissed.

"_You shall come no further," _the squishy responded, growling and snapping at him with his teeth. Skorponok snapped at him with his claws, but the squishy evaded this, instead jumping upon the claw and, before Skorponok could react, ran up his arm and bit into his vulnerable optic.

Skorponok tossed him off. The squishy's body rolled in the sand before coming to a halt, the squishy panting on his side.

Skorponok touched his face, and liquid came upon his claw. _"Squishy!" _he yelled, enraged. _"You've caused me to leak!"_

"_You mean bleed? Oh, is the big bad bully afraid of a little blood?"_ the squishy taunted, getting up.

Enraged, Skorponok came at him, claws whirring and snapping. Fur flew, but still the squishy managed to make his way to Skorponok's body, biting into any exposed wire. Skorponok tossed him off a second time. Deciding not to waste any more time with this pathetic organic being, Skorponok started to make his way to the little pinpricks, to the lights in the distance. He couldn't go underground: the sand would get into his cut wires, and Skorponok had no pack alpha to take care of him if that happened. He wouldn't have any pack mates. He'd just have himself.

But before he had advanced three steps, the squishy blocked his path yet again. The squishy was bleeding, barely standing on his four paws, but still growling determinedly.

"_What are the bipedal squishies to you?"_ Skorponok yelled, frustrated.

"_They are my Pack!" _the squishy managed to say, before the force of Skorponok's blows caught up with him, and he collapsed.

Skorponok was shocked. To think that such primitive beings had the concept of Pack! He looked from the blinking lights to the still figure in the sand.

**X x X **

Mojo came to slowly. He realized many things. One was that he was no longer bleeding, and that it no longer hurt to breathe. Another was that he was in a cool cave. Another was that his adversary was there, looking at him.

The being that tried to attack his Pack didn't smell female; it didn't smell male either. It smelled very much like the toys of the Pack Cub. But this being was a Pack Member of some kind, and Pack Members were always either male or female…so Mojo decided that the being was male.

Mojo got up on all fours, wincing as he did so. _"Why did you—why did you heal me?" _he demanded. Only Pack took care of Pack. What was Mojo to this outsider?

The being did not answer him, instead questioned: _"You say that your Pack is at those lights? I will do them no harm; I just want an answer."_

Mojo, still looking at him suspiciously, said stiffly, _"Yes."_

"_I, too, had a Pack. My Pack Alpha."_

"_Where is he? Did he fall somewhere?"_ Mojo asked.

"_I do not know. He and I separated many footprints from here, to hunt individually."_

Mojo was surprised. _"Well, that isn't much of a Pack."_

The being, formally interested in the walls around him, looked at Mojo again. _"Why do you say that?"_

"_Packs always hunt together. Even if we are separated, we will always come together again, and we always take care of each other. That is the beauty of the Pack. Why did your Pack Alpha abandon you?"_

"_Maybe…maybe he wasn't Pack," _the being said quietly.

"_Maybe. But you are my Pack now," _Mojo said, coming to a decision.

"_What?"_

"_Only Pack takes care of Pack. You healed me, so that makes you Pack."_

"_Pack…"_

**X x X**

"Mojo, there you are!" the one called Pack Cub said in the human language, picking Mojo up. "Where have you been? Why are you so filthy? Mom's been so worried about you…"

_Mom—what the Pack Cub calls Pack Alpha female_ Skorponok noted.

"_Yeah, yeah, happy to see you too, pupling," _Mojo said affectionately, attempting to groom him. Then: _"Hey, Skorpy! Come on out!"_

Skorponok came out of the sand. Slowly, as Mojo had instructed. Sudden movement tended to bring distress to the Pack Cub. He didn't know why, but then again, the Pack Cub was still very young.

"What have you been doing, Mojo? Looks like you've gotten the worse end from a dog fight and—AAHH! GIANT METAL SCORPION!" The Pack Cub tripped over his feet, and Mojo squirmed out of his grasp.

"_Skorponok! Remember what we said!"_ Mojo said, coming in between the Pack Cub and Skorponok.

"_Oh, yeah. Pack Cubs do tend to scare easily, don't they?"_ Skorponok asked, bemused. Then he lowered himself as Mojo instructed, looking as docile as possible. The Pack Cub looked warily between Mojo and himself. Skorponok's tail whipped from side to side, very, very slowly.

"_Go on," _Mojo urged the Pack Cub. _"It's alright. He won't hurt you, pupling. Will you, Skorpy?" _Mojo asked, a pointed look at Skorponok.

"_No, of course not! This is Pack!" _

The Pack Cub got to his feet, and, slowly, reached for Skorponok, and ran one of his strangely shaped paws across Skorponok's armour.

"_This feels…pleasant," _Skorponok said, surprised. It was warm, but not like the warmth of the sun.

"_That means that he likes you!" _Mojo said excitedly, running around in circles. _"Now let's introduce you to the Pack Alphas!"_

**X x X**

Sam knew that "He followed me home, can I keep him?" just wouldn't cut it. And yet, after watching a yipping, barking, hissing, and whirring conversation between Mojo and this giant scorpion that fitted the description of Lennox's "sand monster," that was the only weakly given request he could make to his parents.

"It's one of those—one of those _things!"_ his father had yelled, pointing at an innocently blinking Skorponok.

"But, Dad—"

"No we cannot keep him!"

"Aw, but look, Ron," Judy said, putting a hand on her husband's arm. "Aren't they cute together?" All three members now looked at Skorponok, recharging, gently holding a sleeping Mojo between his claws.

"Oh, well…" Ron said, and Sam knew that he was relenting, "Fine, I guess we have room for one more pet…I always wanted some use for that shed in our backyard…"

So, really, only one question remained, and Sam was the one who asked it.

"How the heck are we going to get him past customs?!"

* * *

**Author note: **Real wolf packs don't work exactly in this manner. However, for the sake of the story, I propose that Mojo and Skorponok's idea of pack is one where they instinctively obey the Pack Alphas (Ron and Judy) and take care of the Pack Cub (Sam). 


	3. Chapter 3

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers; story is so cracky that I almost don't want to own it either…almost : )

**Title: **Explosions

**Summary: **Third of Crackverse Tales, with follow-up to the second story, "Pack." Agent 009 likes to blow things up. Blackout likes to be blown up. You do the math. (P.S. Agent 009 actually _is _a canon character).

**Rating: **T

**Acknowledgements:** To luki dimension, for the bunny that provides a follow-up to Scorponok's story. : ) Thanks.

* * *

Explosions

"Wait. What am I doing here?" he asked the human he found himself with.

"My name is Estellamaria Latresbelle," she answered, totally ignoring his question. "You magically did _not _sink into the Laurentian Abyss, but somehow landed near the place I work. I felt such pity for you that, overcoming my fear, I took you to my barn full of cute fuzzy creatures and, whilst not even being a mechanic for Earth cars let alone for giant alien robots, I managed to repair you. Now, while you are still full of contempt for all things organic, we will slowly but surely fall in love," the human gushed.

"Right," he said.

Needless to say, Blackout stepped on her magical unicorn and cottontail bunnies and set her house on fire before flying away.

**X x X**

Having Scorponok for a pet really wasn't that bad. Yes, they had to sign _a million _forms to keep him, as well as get all the neighbours used to him. And suddenly, harassing the mailman and paperboy and chasing passing cars wasn't regarded as an innocent pastime anymore. Not to mention that half the trees and fire hydrants were now marked with a red Decepticon symbol—Scorpy's way of 'marking his territory.'

He also used it to mark his Pack too. Now, Sam, Judy, and Ron all had a red Decepticon symbol on their right shoulder blades. Mojo had one on his right side. The family trip to Ratchet ("What is Mojo doing here? I'm a medic, not a vet!") had been embarrassing as well as pointless: _nothing _would get the mark to come off.

But anyway, after awhile, the neighbours took to Scorponok quite well, especially since "Beware of giant killer scorpion" was a lot more intimidating than "Beware of dog." Even the wannabe skater punks from the local junior high didn't dare come into the neighbourhood anymore…which was fortunate, because if they saw what Judy Witwicky had done to Scorponok, the giant killer scorpion guard image would be totally ruined.

Sam could only stare slack-jawed at the sight in front of him.

"Mom!"

"Yes, Sammy?" Judy asked as she finished tying a ribbon to a rather pleased-looking Scorponok. The ribbon, though, was only the icing on the cake…

"What have you done to Scorponok?!"

"It's his bling!" Judy proclaimed happily.

Sam could only shake his head. "Mom, you know how he likes to follow me and Bumblebee to the Autobot base. I can't bring him looking like _that._"

"Why not? He looks so cute!" Sam wasn't sure, but the contented whirring sounds that the scorpion was making seemed to indicate that Scorponok not only agreed, but that he was actually enjoying this. His mother continued, "And he matches Mojo's outfit too. See?"

Sam looked, groaned, and went inside for some painkillers.

But if there was any good that had come from Judy's "upgrades," it was that Scorponok had been accepted into the Autobot community.

Bumblebee had been suspicious of Scorponok, at first. But then the drone had started to "fetch" Sam home when he was late for his curfew, picking up the protesting human by the cuff of his jacket with one large claw and scuttling with him back home, to the shock and, later, to the amusement, of those watching. He had also started to "fetch" the boy whenever the drone noticed that Bee was feeling down (and none of them knew that Scorponok was thinking: Pack Cub _always_ makes Pack Beta feel better. Fetch, fetch, scuttle, scuttle).

Bee's protests gradually lessened, and he began to interact with Scorponok more, up till the point where he actually started to play Frisbee with him near the Autobot base with a disc made of compressed garbage cans. This was a relief for Sam, for as much as he liked to play with Scorponok, whenever Scorponok wanted to play fetch, it usually involved an unfortunate tree or electric pole as a stick, and, even when a stick of proper size was brought, it also involved a large chance that Sam would get stepped on.

But though Bumblebee accepted him, the rest of the Autobots didn't feel particular attachment to Scorpy. Though they recognized that Scorponok was a drone, and thus couldn't be held up to the same standards of morality that they were held up to, the Autobots were still suspicious of him. Will and Epps especially would rather see Scorponok in the compressing machine of the waste yard than any where near a civilian area any day.

But when Scorponok came to the base with pink ribbons on his tail, a bright blinking vest draped over his body complete with glow-in-the-dark stars glued to it, a tinsel collar, and what looked like large bright beaded bracelets near his claws, the Autobots, and even Will and Epps, couldn't help but to feel pity for the happily chirruping drone.

One night, when Judy and Ron were on their second honeymoon and when Bee was doing some business over at the Autobot base, Sam thought that he heard the spinning of rotors, and then confused, angry whirring coming from the backyard, complemented by tiny sharp barks. But when he finally shook himself awake and went out to look, nothing was amiss: Scorponok was in the shed, Mojo was in his dog house, and both were deep in contented sleep.

At least, that's what Sam thought, until he stepped out into the grass, and promptly fell into a giant footprint.

**X x X**

Blackout had gone to find Scorponok, but the drone seemed content enough with his new Pack, going so far as to threaten Blackout should he do anything to them. Blackout had been surprised, but then, he knew that he was never part of Scorponok's Pack, so he let the matter slide easily, and he and Scorponok managed to part on good terms. (Translation: you don't shoot me, I don't shoot you, and we never saw each other).

Besides, Blackout had an obsession; an obsession that overshadowed the abandonment of his drone.

Blackout had a fetish for explosions. It was for that reason that he, in the early years of the war, had had an infatuation with Wheeljack. But, really, Wheeljack was an _Autobot. _It just wouldn't work out.

But, as he, out of boredom, started to take the place of various automated helicopters for a secret government agency, the what-could-have-been with Wheeljack was soon forgotten. Agent 009 had a tendency for leaving the "this message will self destruct in fifteen seconds" mission debriefings inside his cockpit before jumping and parachuting to his next mission. And the resulting bang inside Blackout was very enjoyable.

As well, Agent 009 was a great arsonist himself. The explosions were artistic, on-target (but no civilians hurt, which was a pity, but every being had their faults…), and left a beautiful plume of red in the afternoon sky.

Now only to fix himself after each 'date'…

Strangely enough, Gibberish Too-Stupid-To-Live wasn't the last of her kind. Every time Blackout got himself blown up in some way, he was always picked up and fixed by some stupid human who was looking for some extraterrestrial romance. For some odd reason, they were all female, and most of them were some sort of mechanic.

_How is that even logically possible?_ he thought to himself as he was flying along one day. _Demographically speaking, male humans outnumber female humans in terms of that industry, and yet…every mechanic I've come across is female. Come to think of it, I think that some of them have fixed me more than once._

Blackout had started to see a regular mechanic—dealing with the magical girl mechanics was just getting too creepy. And even she was female. On the other hand, this mechanic was into green rather than rosy pink, so they started off on the right foot. As long as Blackout had the dough, she'd fix him up. She also started acting as his therapist too.

"I think that I am attached to Agent 009," he told the mechanic one day. "He does make such beautiful explosions within me."

The mechanic gave him a sceptical look. "You know, enjoying the explosions are good and all," she grunted, working on his mangled engine, "but are you sure that you _like _Agent 009? What if it's all just physical? I mean, after all the stuff he's done, I'm all for hurting the dude, but still…"

"I do not believe…I _know _that it is not just physical," Blackout said somewhat dreamily—slaggit, his processor must have been damaged in the last explosion, he shouldn't have tones that were set to 'dreamily,' 'affectionately,' and the like…oh well, the sentiments were true, and that's what counted—"Agent 009 makes me feel like no other Decepticon or explosive Autobot scientist has made me feel. And I respect him for his chaos and blatant disregard of policies and things of honour."

"Well, to each his own," she said. "Okay, you're all fixed. Now pay up."

"Certainly, Banes. The money will be wired to your bank account this afternoon."

"And Blackout?" she said as the Decepticon turned to leave. "You should tell him how you feel. You can't be hiding from him forever."

"True, Banes. Very true…I expect that you will want extra payment for your advice?"

"Yup."

And as Blackout flew into the bloodstained sky, he made a promise to himself: one day, he would tell Agent 009—Agent Reginald Simmons—how he felt about the beautiful explosions that the two of them made.

* * *

**Author note:** Estellamaria Latresbelle and her clones are in no way, shape, or form, fashioned after any other authors' characters out here in fanfiction world. I mean no disrespect and I do not wish to make any sexist comment when crack!Blackout says that male mechanics outnumber female mechanics. 


	4. Chapter 4

**Disclaimer:**do not own Transformers.

**Title:**Blues

**Rating:**T

**Summary:**Fourth of Crackverse Tales. Mikaela dumps Sam, and the poor guy goes to a local bar to drink away his woe, and finds a kindred spirit…much to Bumblebee's chagrin. Includes follow-up to "Explosions."

**Author note: **Generally, I don't like breaking up canon characters…However…

Mikaela and Bluestreak made it waaayyyy too easy.

* * *

Blues

"Going again, Blackout?" Barricade asked. The helicopter had spent the better part of the last three groons preparing for his date, even going so far as to sharpen his rotors.

"Yup. Reggie and I are going to blow up an enemy base in Antarctica."

"So it's 'Reggie' now?"

Blackout's energon rushed to his faceplate. "Yeah. So what?"

Barricade could only shake his head, and Blackout turned towards him, annoyed. "Look. I know he's human, but just give him a chance. We're both agents. We're both liars. We're both former ballerinas. We both like unadulterated chaos, long walks on the beach, massive explosions, listening to birds sing in the morning, skies that rain blood and scorched flesh, Disney movies, terrified civilian screams, and the O.C. So just—"

"Give him a chance, I know, I know," Barricade said heavily. The doorbell—a recent addition made by Soundwave's spark-mate—sounded, and Blackout went to get it, his rotors whirring happily, leaving Barricade in the rec room, staring moodily at the spot where Blackout would usually sit, grumping, on a Friday evening.

No, Barricade did not blame Agent Simmons for the change in their friendship. It was that Barricade was…he was…

He was immensely jealous.

"Love blues got you down?" the human bar manager asked as the Decepticon walked in. Phil had seen many things in his lifetime, and a lovesick evil alien robot wasn't new to him. He had grown up in Roswell, after all. So when a new clientele came in from the stars, Phil was ready with five-story doors, three-story stools, neighbourhood-sized counters, and fifty-pint beer mugs.

Catering to giant alien robots in need of refreshment perhaps wasn't the most lucrative job in the world, but hey, it did pay the bills.

"Shut up, human. What's it to you?" Barricade asked with half-hearted malice, sitting on a stool.

"The regular, then?"

"Yep."

Phil, with some difficulty, got the mug on the counter, and then started filling it with a hose. "You know, maybe it's time to move on," Phil started, and Barricade groaned, feeling a life-altering conversation coming up. "You always said that Decepticon-Decepticon couples were always volatile, and were a lot more about pleasure than emotional fulfillment. Find yourself a nice Autobot, or even better, a nice human, settle down and—Oh, Samuel. What are you doing here? You know I don't have any human drinks, and besides, you're still underage."

Sam, either ignoring or unaware of Barricade's presence—only Sam could, as no one else could possibly miss the giant robot sitting not ten feet in front of him on a giant bar stool—just shuffled forward and muttered. "I just got dumped in the worst way possible…and I saw some things, and I have no more bleach."

"You wanna elaborate?"

"Working backwards, on the way here, I saw Trent and the Dewbot machine frolicking in the park. Before that, I walked in on Miles and the Escalade. And before that, I saw Glen and the Xbox. And before that, I caught Mikaela and Bluestreak making out. And _even _before that, I saw Jazz and—"

Phil was already filling up a glass. "So you're not only emotionally scarred for life, but you're lovesick too, huh?"

"Too? What are you—OH SHIT IT'S BARRICADE!"

"Yep. Sparkbreak sucks, doesn't it?" Barricade said moodily, raising the mug to his faceplate. Sam, a little bit reassured in the fact that Barricade didn't take out either his cannons or his claws, climbed a rope ladder and accepted a drink from Phil.

"I hear you," Sam answered, taking a drink, and then said: "Still, I guess I should be flattered. How many guys can boast about being dumped for a gigantic, talking, highly-advanced alien robot?"

"How many mechs can have the shame of being ignored in favour of a small, annoying, primitive maggot of an agent?" Barricade said.

"You have my sympathies."

"As you have mine."

"To unrequited love, then," Sam said simply, raising his glass before draining the thing.

"And broken sparks," Barricade rumbled, mimicking the movement.

Phil could only shake his head sadly as they gradually became more intoxicated, but he drew the line at one of Barricade's antics. He called Starscream to take Barricade back to base, and had pointed out that, because of what Barricade did, Starscream was now obliged to take Sam back to his guardian.

The only thing that comforted Starscream as he took the Witwicky boy to his guardian was that Bumblebee was going to have a _very _nasty surprise.

**X x X**

Mikaela was a girl who loved a man of many words. That's was one of the main reasons why she was attracted to Sam—that boy could just talk about _anything _and go on for hours. She was also a girl who happened to love cars. The fact that she got two-in-one was a favourable bonus.

She first noticed him when some Autobots started to check up on her, worried about her every time she worked on Blackout. She assured them that it was fine, and that it really helped to pay for post-secondary. And then _he _came along…

"Mikaela you're a nice girl and all and I really hope that you know what you're doing because you know, Blackout's a Decepticon and Decepticons don't really take kindly to humans—"

And with a one thousand-word sentence, her heart was his.

She did feel guilty that Sam still thought that they were a couple. Sam was a good kid—a good friend. But ultimately, he wasn't what she was looking for in a boyfriend. However, she couldn't bring herself to tell him that it was over, especially since he seemed increasingly disturbed and emotionally unwell lately. It just didn't seem like a good time to break his heart.

But after he walked in on her and Bluestreak making out in the Autobot base closet, she really, really wished that she had told him.

**X x X**

"Gee Bumblebee I really am sorry," Bluestreak said, as the two 'bots raced along a deserted road, attempting to find Sam. "If I had known that Sam was in the base, I would have never done that with Mikaela in the closet, we really were going to tell him, honest! It's just that the time never seemed right and—"

"Save your excuses, Bluestreak," Bumblebee said tightly. "You can apologize to me _after _you've apologized to Sam."

Bluestreak opened up the frequency again, but before he could get a word in, something flashed overhead, and then flew over them, so closely that their roofs were almost scratched. Then Starscream landed in front of them, and the two Autobots changed quickly, slowing in their advance only when they saw that Starscream was holding something—someone—Sam!

"This would be yours?" Starscream hissed, and then without further ado, handed Sam over to Bumblebee.

"Starscream! What did you—"

"_I_did nothing," the Decepticon leader said, miffed. "Your little pet got intoxicated over at Phil's."

"Oh, yeah, Phil." Bluestreak said, already lowering his weapon. "Great guy, nice high-grade, didn't know that humans could even make—"

"Yeah, yeah, yeah," Starscream said, and, transforming, flew away. The two Autobots could only stare, long and hard, at the now empty sky.

"What was that about?" Bumblebee said, cradling a totally unconscious and completely intoxicated Sam.

Amazingly, Bluestreak was at a loss for words.

Returning to the base and tucking Sam into bed, Bumblebee was eternally grateful that nothing bad had happened to the boy, but he still had to wonder why Starscream had not only let Sam live, but that the new Decepticon leader had actually _returned _the boy unscathed.

And Bumblebee kept wondering, until, with the use of his scanners, he found a dark Decepticon mark on Sam's left shoulder blade, and, below that, in Cybertronian runes, a name.

Bumblebee's optics narrowed, and let out an enraged yell that even Jazz and Epps, making out in an Autobot base closet, heard.

"Barricade!"

**Author note: **Kind of short compared to the others…but Autobot x Human pairings lack the cracky flavour of Decepticon x Human pairings. Oh well. Hope you still enjoyed!


	5. Chapter 5

**Disclaimer: **do not own Transformers.

**Author note: **Just a little oneshot to finish off with this 'verse. Wow, about time I finished this thing, huh? : P Sorry! Hope you enjoyed this far too long tale of cracky bliss as much as I did! Thank-you to everyone who has read/reviewed/alerted/faved! See you next time!

**Summary: **Fifth of Crackverse, 07 movie, not 09 compliant. Sam embraces the insanity, and Maggie and Soundwave herald the end of the Cybertronian war.

**Rating: **T

**Title: **Happily, Crackily Ever After

* * *

Happily, Crackily Ever After

When Maggie and Soundwave first got together, and then Simmons and Blackout became a team not long after that, and then all the other couplings had happened right after that, Sam hadn't understood it. He had felt like the only sane man in an insane world.

But now, he understood.

It was the power of love.

"I had a good time tonight, Sam," Barricade said as he popped open his door. Sam carefully climbed out.

"Me too, Barricade," he said, grinning. "Same time next week?"

"I'd like that."

Sam waved as Barricade pulled out of the driveway. Then, once Barricade melted into the shadows, he turned towards Bumblebee.

"Still not talking to me?" Sam asked. He was answered with a sulky silence.

Sam just sighed.

Early in the following evening, Sam went to Phil's place, getting in before the nightly rush for high-grade took place.

"I don't know what to do, Phil," Sam said as the barkeeper poured a nice, soothing grin tea into a glass.

"Tell me, kid," Phil said, handing him a glass and then pouring himself some. "Phil's here to listen to ya."

"Well, remember the time me and Barricade were here?"

"Yup. I'm still wondering how you got drunk on root beer…"

Sam waved away Phil's concern. "Not the point," he said. "Well, after that, Barricade's been calling me. We went out a few times, got talking, figuring out that we have a whole lot in common…"

"Oh. I bet a certain yellow-and-black somebody doesn't appreciate that."

"He doesn't," Sam said miserably. "He looks like a kicked puppy every time I tell him that Barricade's coming over to pick me up. But the thing is, once you get past the fact that he's a giant alien robot bent on world domination and the annihilation of the human race, Barricade is actually a pretty good guy. I think that me and him…you know."

"So go for it," Phil advised.

"What?"

"I see that you have a good thing going here, Sam. I say go for it."

"But, Bumblebee—"

"Bumblebee will be Bumblebee. It'll be hard for a while. But you're best friends—nothing's going to change that. Just because you like Barricade doesn't mean you value Bumblebee any less. He'll know."

"Really?"

"Really. Just don't abandon him. Don't abandon either of them. Bumblebee's your best friend, Sam. You know he'd want you to be happy. Besides, there's always the third option."

"Third option?"

"Just wait and see how Bumblebee and Barricade feel—about each other, I mean. I think I see something between 'em, besides the hate, I mean. I know how they feel about you. In time, they might want to…you know…"

"No, actually. I don't know."

"Well, I hear that trines are a popular option for Cybertronians."

"Tri—oh. Oh. Okay, okay, I see where you're going."

"Things will turn out alright, Sam. You'll see."

"Thanks, Phil," Sam said after a pause. "For everything. You're a really great guy. I feel like I can really talk to you about these problems."

"No problem, Sam," Phil said, smiling gently. Then he said, "You know, you're the second person who has told me that."

"Really? Who was the first?"

"Starscream," Phil answered. "Right after he came back from his blind date. Yeah, he was feeling lonely and all, what with Barricade and Soundwave and the like, so after he was nice and relaxed and way too overcharged to squish me for suggesting such a thing, I said to him, I know a really nice girl who would get along great with you."

"Starscream--? Blind--?"

Phil just blinked at Sam's speechlessness.

"You know what? Nevermind," Sam said, and then he downed the rest of his glass.

**X x X**

"You are possibly the most corrupt, vile, vain, degenerate, selfish creature I have ever met on the face of this planet. You complete me, Alexis."

"But my name's not even—" she broke off of her sentence, just looking at the seeker. "Eh, whatever. You complete me, too, Starscream."

**X x X**

It had been a while since Maggie and Soundwave were bonded, and something miraculous had happened.

"What are they doing _this_ time?" Ratbat asked as he and most of his siblings stood outside the med-bay door. They heard their maternal unit scream in fury, then the slow murmur of their creator's voice answering her, then the irritated clicks coming from Frenzy.

"You absolute _idiot!_" Maggie said, glaring at Soundwave."You did this to me! Once our child is safe and sound and once I'm back on my feet, I'm going to cut open your spark chamber, fry your processor, gouge out your optics, and stick a wrench in the sockets! Just you wait, I—"

Taking her hand gently, Soundwave said, "I love you too."

And with a final scream and push, their creation was fully into the world.

Frenzy, who had the unfortunate role of emergency midwife, handed off his newest sibling to his maternal unit before going quickly out the door, pushing past his chattering siblings to go to the nearest wash rack.

"Organics are _gross,_" he yelled as he frantically washed his hands and spindly fingers. "The images _burn _into my memory chips! My optics…they cannot unsee!!"

"Come on," Ratbat said. "It couldn't have been that bad."

"Yes. It. Was."

Meanwhile, Soundwave was inspecting his newest arrival. "Does that always happen?" he asked, looking at the child curiously. "Is she not supposed to be bigger, and demanding, with grammatically correct sentences, for food and warmth?"

Maggie just looked up at him. "She's a baby," she said. "She still needs to grow."

_I must renegotiate the terms of my parental leave, _Soundwave mused, but for now, he stayed by his sparkmate's side as they looked lovingly on their beautiful Cybertronian-human hybrid creation, healthy and happy with her eight tentacles and three optics and eleven tiny perfect fingers and toes.

**X x X**

Ratchet looked down at Red Alert's twitching form. "Okay," he said, turning to Jazz. "What did you say to him this time?"

Jazz gave a rueful grin, rubbing the back of his helm sheepishly.

"Well, he was fritzing pretty bad over Maggie and Soundwave's little bundle of blanket and wires, and so I thought I'd cheer him up by saying that, if all the Autobots and Decepticons ended up sparkbonded to the humans, having kids, and going on parental leave and devoting all their time and energy into the care of their Cybertronian-human hybrid babies, maybe the war will end. You know, first with a truce, then with some sort of treaty, called somethin' silly like the Long Overdue Great Cybertronian Peace Treaty, and then we'd all live happily ever after…" Jazz trailed off. Ratchet just stared at him.

"You said that to cheer him up?"

He gave an apologetic shrug. "I just wanted to get him to laugh. It was just a joke."

Ratchet promptly thwacked the back of his head. "You know you can't say illogical and impossible things like that to Red Alert, let alone in such detail! His programming can't take it!"

"I didn't know that he'd actually take it seriously!"

Ratchet put his face in his palm. "We really must put a patch in that programming of his if his firewalls can't protect his logic processors in the face of such blatant nonsense."

**X x X**

**Many years into the future…**

"And that is how the Cybertronian war ended. With all the Autobots and Decepticons sparkbonding with human companions and all of them producing children, all the warriors went on parental leave to devoting all their time and energy into the care of their Cybertronian-human hybrid babies, it wasn't long before a truce was called, and, not long after that, the Long Overdue Great Cybertronian Peace Treaty was signed. With time, the Autobot and Decepticon factions disappeared as Cybertronians and humans all lived in peace. Any questions, class?"

The teacher turned towards the students, whose faces were filled with absolute bafflement.

"Wait, I don't get it. You mean to tell us that these two _entirely _different species who weren't even born on the same planet could…could do, you know, _that?_"

"But that doesn't even—"

"That's not physically—"

"But how—"

"But—"

"And that," the teacher said, voice rising over the increasingly confused din, "is the end of today's lesson."


End file.
